Conflict within marriage has been fascinating to learn more about. Through studying conflict in marriage, I think back to my own parent’s marriage in which they have lived a happy 21 years together and are continuing strong. Growing up, I didn’t witness many instances where my parents argued. The few times I did, I remember that even though tension was high, neither of them would ever raise their voice. My mom and dad were able to keep calm voices while effectively getting their point across. Looking back, I think it’s so respectful of both of them to keep their voices at an appropriate level. I think my parents are definitely guided by positive sentiment override. They laugh at each other all the time. I think back to sometimes when my mom would be struggling to breathe because she would be laughing so hard at something my dad did or said. Having this foundation of friendship between the two of them, I think has been what has kept them together and happy for the past 21 years.
To understand the importance of friendship in a marriage, Gottman explains that friendship in a marriage is based a lot on mutual respect. It is also based on an enjoyment of each other’s company. I think to some of my past/current friendships and with all of them I shared jokes, we’re respectful to one another and we simply like to be around each other. I think these three things are a huge part of friendship which fuels the flame for marriage.
I love what Gottman said about how happy couples embrace each other’s needs. This is a sign of emotional intelligence and if we are able to recognize and respect the needs and wants of others, that is a great foundation for a happy marriage. An important part of meeting each other’s needs is active listening. This is defined as being able to see the differences from each other’s perspectives. When we can put ourselves in another person’s shoes, we have a much easier time helping and learning to love them.
My favorite line from the book “Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage,” said “sometimes we are so concerned with being right that we fail to be good.” This line really hit me because as I’ve gotten older, I have come to know that the need to be right runs deep in my family line. It’s so important to stay good no matter what. Marriage is hard and there are going to be arguments but if we are good people who respect one another, I think it would be hard for that marriage to fail. Putting off the natural man, not always having to be right, and forgiving easily are all ways to resolve conflict in a marriage. These things are what God would have us do while Satan wants the complete opposite for us.
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