Week 9: Managing Conflict

     While researching conflict in marriage this week, I came across a quote which gives a great description on how to best manage conflict. It states “the goal of resolving conflict in a relationship is not victory or defeat. It’s reaching understanding and letting go of our need to be right.” How true it is that when it comes down to it, managing conflict has so much to do with letting go of what we want for the benefit of someone else. From the research of Dr. John Gottman, he states that there are two different types of problems. There are perpetual problems and solvable problems. Perpetual problems are disagreements on things such as how many children to have, sex, who does the housework, which religion to choose, and ways of parenting. Happily married couples remain happy with their perpetual problems because they learn to keep those problems in place and approach them with a sense of humor. They understand that they don’t have to resolve their major conflicts to be happy. 

     Any marriage can be successful based on the degree that the problems are ones that can be coped with. All that is needed is a willingness and motivation to explore the deeper issues that are causing congestion. According to Gottman, there are specific ways in which couples should manage their conflict. This includes recognizing that negative emotions are important, no one is right, acceptance is critical even when there are negative emotions, and a focus on fondness and admiration. All of these aspects are crucial when it comes to working through conflict in a marriage. 

     When it comes to solvable problems, Dr. Gottman gives 5 ways in which we can do so. The first one is to soften the start-up. There should be no criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. Each person should take some responsibility, describe what is happening, be clear about what the need is, be polite and appreciative and don’t store things up. The second way is to learn to make and receive repair attempts. Couples can prevent disasters by ending discussions that begin on the wrong foot. Step three is to soothe yourself and each other. This can mean ending the discussion and taking a break if needed. Step 4 is a compromise, and this is the only way to solve marital problems. The last step is to process any grievances so they don’t linger. If emotional injuries have occurred, those need to be addressed so they don’t become constant irritants.